This is it. I'm leaving tonight and am anxious as hell. Some might think X-mas morning type of excitement but they would be wrong. I have no idea what this will result in; we need to all understand that. I am looking on this with more than a healthy dose of skepticism bourne from 8 years of crashed hope and unfulfilled expectations. More like an anxious spouse waiting for news on their other half's heart surgery. Not having a clue, awfulizing, fantasizing about what it would be like to be able to pass a sobriety test sober and everything in between. Make no mistake, I want this to work more than anything other than having a healthy child. However, the MS mantra "hope for the best but prepare for the worst" plays a huge role in my disposition. You need to be that way in order to stay sane sometimes.
So I take a step back and think about all those who have horrid diseases with no answers who've come before me. There's been snake oil, clinics in Tijuana, the Esperanza Institute in the Bahamas (MS'ers will know what I'm talking about there), and of course things like laetril, the supposed miracle cure for cancer. All I can really remember about that drug was the lampoon Saturday Night Live did on "spray on Laetril". It was a funny skit (you can probably find it on YouTube), but probably not to cancer patients who looked on it as I look on this. So I am really doing something just like that. It's different in the fact that we are actually fixing something that isn't functioning properly in the body vs. blind faith that this or that chemical will be the miracle cure. So it IS different, but not in my expectations for what I hope it does for my MS. We have no clue yet and won't for some time, but I understand Hope and I understand that people like me need it like air if we are to continue and stay positive and be able to look to tomorrow. It's not something you can relate to until you're in a position to need it, but Hope is the most powerful thing that people in bad situations need, and I'm dead serious about that. I'll use a quote from Nietzche to make that point and sign off and quit being windier than a bag of assholes for now. He says "He who has a Why to live for can bear almost any How". Man I wish I was smart enough to come up with shit like that! I'll see you all soon.