And it was wonderful. No matter how many times I temper my expectations with reality, or even a little pessismism to not allow a big fall, it's clear that any chance at 'getting back' some of your healthy life is the utopian goal. And the only reason I say that is because those times you catch a glimpse of normal health, you can't help yourself. You have to keep your feet on the ground and be realistic, but we all want it no matter how content we are with stopping progression. Now for everone I imagine that's something different. For some people it would to be back working full time and being able to fully engage physically and mentally in whatever activity you want to pick. I had a morning today where I felt absolute peace of mind. Felt really good about the world, felt confident and all that stuff that I used to take for granted. MS is always in the way of that. If you're driving somewhere, you stress about is there going to be a good place to pee. If you're walking somewhere, you stress about being able to make it as far as you want to go. If you're just with people, you hope you have the energy to stay engaged and not start getting dizzy and confused and in pain. That's just how it is for many of us and it really gets in the way of finding your peace of mind and feelings of contentment and feeling just plain happy about being where you are and doing what you're doing.
This morning, and I think once again the exercise is starting to pay off, I captured some of that and I wish I could bottle it up, but also hope there's more to come so I won't have to! For me, one of those things that always made me feel all was right with the world were the weekend mornings. I've always been an early riser and I would spend lots of time focusing on things like exercising or taking all the kids to soccer or something like that. I used to get up at about 7:00am on Saturday or Sunday morning and go play a few hours of racquetball, or go for a good run or something and be done before noon and be fully awake and engaged and feeling wonderful. Well the MS has made it so I haven't had a day like that in I can't tell you how long. I still get up early, but by the time I have the coffee made and things like that, my legs are usually hurting so bad I'm not only not enjoying the morning, but I am definitely not thinking about going forward and doing anything else. It's just a trial to wake up and start moving forward and doing what you want to do.
This morning was awesome. I woke up and the sun was out and I didn't feel all that bad. Well I swing my legs out of bed and hmmmm, they aren't hurting that bad. Cool I think. They will be soon but Sarah has practice this morning and I'll go down and make the coffee and eggs and then find a seat because they are always hurting and I'm always a little dizzy at this point. It didn't happen this time. I just kept 'doing it'; standing the whole time pain free. I made the coffee, no leg pain. I made the eggs, no leg pain. I even had to go down the dreaded basement stairs to pump up her soccer ball. No problem. So then I decide I'm going to offer to be bus driver and collect all her friends and drive; I never do that. By the time I get her ready I usually just want to sit or lie back down. But today I didn't. I went and collected them all. We laughed and joked because I wasn't just thinking about getting back home and getting on the couch! So I dropped them off and sang at the top of my lungs on the way home to some Chili Peppers and just felt 'normal'.
It's that kind of stuff that means more than anything when you think about getting better. Just being able to live life happy and not constantly distracted by your challenges. To take care of myself in the background, but not be obsessed with taking care of myself to just have enough energy to enjoy SOME of the day. No matter how hard I say I'm OK with just not getting worse, and believe me I am; it beats the alternative, in the back of my mind I will always want to get 'better'. I think that's just human nature. Well this morning I did feel better. That's been a long time coming. So the next time you're driving down the street feeling good about life with a smile on your face, take some time and think about how lots of people can't do that anymore. For one second don't take it for granted. Just to be 'normal' is all we want. I don't care if I run the Boston Marathon. I just want to live life not constantly distracted. And, to me, without having done this procedure, I don't know if I'd have had a morning like this morning. So just being able to get up, feed my daughter and take her and her friends to practice a 1/2 hour away just made my flippin' year. Lowered expectations? I think not, feeling healthy is a beautiful thing, it's a gift. Try and make the most of your life if you have your health, you're selling yourself short if you don't. And the next time you are just doing something 'normal' and feeling irritated because something totally insignificant in the grand scheme didn't go your way, just look in the mirror and try and feel how wonderful it is that you have your health. Totally, totally cliche, but it's truly priceless, it really is.
I've put a picture of myself this morning on here because if you can go in public when it's 40 degrees out dressed liked that and still feel good, well then you are just feelin' it! Ha! I feel it's the boots that complete the ensemb', don't you?