Monday, September 20, 2010

Still movin' on to a point

My last post literally left me exhausted. After the last few years of being an MS patient named Lew, I went off to become Lew again; who just happens to have MS. I'm doing pretty well with all that, but it's tough when your illness is advanced enough that you can barely push it off to the side for hardly 15 minutes with out a bathroom reminder, a dizzy reminder or just good ol' pain. So I'm still working on living WITH MS and not FOR MS. I was doing that. All the constant introspection to see if things are better or worse will literally drive you crazy if you're not a completely egocentric person to start with.

So I had realized that I needed to not be constantly talking about 'IT'. I think I was wearing my wife out a little bit and didn't even realize it. Thank God my wife is just like me and will say what needs to be said when it needs saying. One profound thing I've been struggling with, and still will maybe forever, is relating to the 'rest of the world'. Don't get me wrong. I haven't gotten out of touch, or gotten bitter or anything that prevents that, but something was/is going on there that I just want to try and define. For some reason, defining things and laying them out there in writing or by talking, really helps me process it. It's almost like I'm going to struggle with "this" or "that" until I write it down. Maybe it makes it more real, or maybe it's just me drawing a symbolic line in the sand and making it solid rather than ideological. So what's the problem?

Well for me it kind of hit me when I was watching some reality show (it was probably Top Chef) and watching someone just getting bent completely out of shape. Now I can do that to, so it wasn't just the act I had problems relating to. It's just that I had gotten to the point where it just seems like everything except getting healthy/staying healthy doesn't deserve that much energy. I found myself often times thinking that 'everyone else' is just complete drama queens. I was coming from the place that it all seems so trivial; everyone's problems that have them carrying on. I was thinking "that's all small stuff". And maybe that's true. I often think about how astonishing of a person I would be if I can get healthy again. Like the guy who kicks Stage 4 lung cancer and can truly live like he's dying for the rest of his life and only give big energy to 'things that matter'.

But that's so nihilistic of me. You CAN'T live like you're dying (I'm using the Tim McGraw song as reference here) until you have that situation actually happen. Sure you can try, and you can even make a very good effort. But those who've been there and those who are there know what I'm talking about. It's like the reason why AA works for Alcoholics. You just can't quite relate until you've lived it. I mean you can be uber educated about it all and you can even work in the field for years and years and although you may get it intellectually, you can't feel it. So me smirking at people carrying on about something or other like I'm above all that and why can't they see it as 'the small stuff' is doing nothing but making me resentful of everyone else. And that's why I'm writing about it today. It's all part and parcel of me trying my damndest not to get resentful, bitter, depressed, or whatever from all of this. I know it's not a task like something at work, but that's the way I have to tackle shit, so here we go.