Sunday, May 23, 2010

Update

Well I haven't posted in a while, and this one isn't going to be that long either. I feel OK is the best I can say. My demeanor, my dizziness, my bladder, bowels, all the functional stuff still feels unchanged. My legs, however, don't feel unchanged. They feel weaker. Now it's only slight and I'm still not using my cane yet, but I know for a fact that I can't walk as far as I could even 3 months ago. This sucks bad, but I still know I did SOMETHING to get in the way of the slide I was on. I just know that things are getting slowly worse in my legs now. It's been a while that I've sat on this and now I have to say it out loud. Not what any of us want to hear, but reality is reality. I'm still working and living and all that good stuff. It's just things that I did easier for a while after the surgery are becoming harder again. The heat is starting to really bother me again too.

I hope to post more after I've really pontificated on it and done some self run experiment type stuff, but I haven't posted in a while and this is why. It's not a virus or a 'bad spell', it's just that my legs are getting slowly weaker and I promised to be honest, so here I am doing that. The things that make it obvious to me are things that I've not experienced yet. I was very hesitant to post about this until there was something new happening, not just waxing and waning of existing stuff. Well I can't put my sock on my left foot by pulling my left leg up anymore. I have to pull it up with my left hand and wedge my heel on the bedrail or on the chair I'm sitting in. I can't hold it up even for 2 seconds to throw a footie on. And I have to consciously watch lifting my left foot high since I've been catching it on the flat ground, denoting the start of foot drop; which I've never had. Also if I'm sitting and I raise my toe off the ground and then push on my knee, I have some pretty hardcore clonus. All new stuff.

It's not like I'm sinking into the pit of despair or anything. As I said before, I still feel better than I did pre-surgery overall for sure. It's just that my legs are getting weaker and that is decidedly not a good thing. I don't have my limp back until I'm very fatigued and that so I know I'm not back to where I was pre-surgery. My one year checkup is coming up in mid-July and I hope to God Dake finds something. I don't want the 'all clear'. I know he can't do something surgically for me right now, but just knowing that there's potentially a reason for this would be great. But as we've talked about many times before, the progressive camp is/has been/was/always will be, sucking hind tit to relapsing and remitting. So I now have to start working on letting myself feel joy when other's not so afflicted get great results from this instead of turning green with envy. My mind is a bit scattered right now, so I'm going to cut this short. As I said, I'll post again soon when I've got this all sorted out.